


Afraid of All I Am

by jeremybearimy5972



Series: life was a willow and it bent right to your wind [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, Fluff, Gen, Self-Doubt, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (implied) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25452127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeremybearimy5972/pseuds/jeremybearimy5972
Summary: AU: What if Remus hadn't resigned?A look into Remus's thought process after the full moon in Prisoner of Azkaban, deciding between staying or resigning from his position. Remus finds himself rather inundated with requests for him to stay, but his logic tells him to leave.For context, Snape doesn't reveal his condition, thus allowing Remus to decide if he would like to stay on as DADA professor or not.
Series: life was a willow and it bent right to your wind [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111385
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

Rays of sunlight puncture the thick canopy of leaves and branches, belonging to the ancient trees of the Forbidden Forest. Remus Lupin lies on the forest floor, only beginning to awake after the night of the full moon. He groggily opens his eyes and sits up on his elbows, taking in his forest surroundings rather than those of his quaint office. 

“What the hell happened?” He asks himself. Snippets of memories from the previous night begin to return to him. Watching the Marauder’s Map, seeing Harry, Hermione, and Ron go down to Hagrid’s hut. Someone’s name on the map had confused him, who was it? He racked his brains to remember who. 

_Peter._

Peter Pettigrew. Just as Harry had stated so plainly when Remus confiscated the map off him. Cogs had begun turning in Remus’s brain. How could Peter be here, at Hogwarts? If Peter were alive, then… Sirius was not the traitor. Remus remembered running to the Whomping Willow, where he had seen the trio along with Sirius and Peter dart down on the map. Remus rubbed his forehead where a headache was beginning to form. He remembered seeing Sirius again, how shocked and ecstatic he had been to see his best friend again. Snape’s interruption and their interrogation of Peter. After a certain point, Remus’s memory was entirely foggy and vague. He remembered leaving the Shack, but what happened afterward? 

It suddenly clicked for Remus. The forgotten Wolfsbane on his desk and the moon’s appearance in the sky. Feeling sick to his stomach, Remus fought the urge to vomit and jumped to his feet, which probably wasn’t the best course of action, as he felt quite light-headed upon standing. Surely not, he thought to himself. Please, Merlin, he prayed. He could not face the thought that he might have hurt, killed, or worse turned someone because he was stupid and absent-minded enough to forget to take the one potion that could control the Wolf. Leaning against a tree to regain his strength and calm his breathing, Remus ran a weary hand against his face and clutched at his hair. He never remembered what occurred during the full moon. Sometimes flickers of memories, or rather feelings would arise the morning after, but nothing concrete. Only the Wolfsbane Potion allowed him to keep his mind during the transformation, usually allowing him to simply sleep until morning.

Tearing Remus out of his thoughts was a deep voice in the distance. Remus instinctively reached for his wand, remembering only a few seconds later that it would have been dropped when he transformed. Remus walked tentatively towards the voice, which grew louder as he came closer. He recognized the voice, but couldn’t remember its owner just yet. 

“Lupin! You in here?” called the voice, Remus finally recognizing as belonging to Hagrid, clearly sent out to look for him once the sun had risen. 

“Hagrid?” He called back. Remus walked in the direction the voice came from, seeing the large gamekeeper shouting out from a clearing in the forest, his faithful dog sniffing around as well. Hagrid noticed Lupin in the distance and waved happily. Fang bounded up to Remus, taking his hand in his mouth and leading him back to Hagrid. Fang, clearly pleased with himself for retrieving Remus, got a pat on the head from Hagrid. Hagrid coughed, slightly embarrassed, and Remus had a rather delayed realization that he was naked. Hagrid pulled out a blanket and gave it to Remus, who quickly wrapped it around himself. 

“You all right then? You gave us all quite the scare, I’ve been lookin’ fer you all over!” Hagrid chuckled. Remus’s heart sank and must have looked like a deer in headlights because Hagrid hastily spoke again. 

“Oh, nobody’s hurt! Don’t you worry Lupin.” He patted Remus on the back. Remus let out a sigh of relief. The three began to walk back to the castle, Fang leading the way, tail wagging and looking back excitedly at Remus and Hagrid. 

“Hagrid” Remus begins, not exactly sure as to how to phrase his question. “What happened last night?” 

“To tell ya the truth, I’m not exactly sure.” Hagrid scratched his beard, seemingly pondering as to how to answer. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before finding the right beginning. 

“I’m not sure how much I should be telling a professor,” Hagrid began. _I’ll hardly be a professor for much longer Hagrid_ , Remus thought to himself. 

“You’re a professor too, Hagrid.” Remus reminded him. Hagrid ignored his comment, clearly uncomfortable being called a professor and upset by his misfortunes whilst teaching this year, but continued. 

“But Harry, Hermione, and Ron came down last night for a bit o’ moral support, they called it. Buckbeak was going to be killed and they wanted to help. Nice of them really.” Hagrid sniffled a bit, warmed by the kindness the trio showed for him and Buckbeak. Remus remembered the incident at the start of the year when Draco Malfoy was cut by Buckbeak. He and his father made enough fuss that Buckbeak had been sentenced to execution altogether. Remus knew how heartbroken Hagrid would be over the loss of his friend. 

“I’m sorry for your loss, Hagrid, that’s awful,” Remus said solemnly. Hagrid wiped his eyes and brightened for a moment, surprising Remus. 

“Oh, of course, you haven’t heard! Buckbeak flew away! Ain’t that marvelous?” Hagrid beamed. “Dunno how he managed it, but Dumbledore, the Minister, and the,” Hagrid paused, not wanting to say the man’s title. “Anyway, they all came down and Buckbeak was there, right?”

“Right?” Remus prompted.

“We went in the hut, gone through all these papers, came back out, and POOF!” Hagrid gestured wildly. “He was gone!” Remus smiled softly at Hagrid, a sneaking suspicion in the back of his mind that the trio had something to do with Buckbeak’s disappearance, but he didn’t want to interrupt Hagrid’s happiness. 

“That’s fantastic, Hagrid,” Remus said. Hagrid smiled genuinely back at him, before resuming the story.

“Anyway, as I said, I’m not exactly sure what happened. Me and Dumbledore were having a cup of tea when we heard this big commotion. We went up to the Whomping Willow and there was Hermione, Ron, and Snape.” Hagrid explained. Remus figured he must have run off in the forest somehow, though not entirely sure as to why the Wolf would have left humans. 

“Snape was making a right racket, screaming about Harry and Black and you,” Hagrid continues. “Dumbledore asked him where Harry was an’ Snape said he ran off towards the lake. I got Hermione and Ron back to the castle and up to Pomfrey for his leg.” 

“Is his leg alright? I saw it was bleeding pretty badly, but I’m afraid to say I’m rubbish at advanced healing spells.” Remus asked. Despite tearing himself up every month, he had never quite mastered healing spells like Madame Pomfrey could, relying heavily on simple spells and accelerated werewolf healing. He had tried to help Ron initially upon seeing his injury, but Ron refused, having just learned of his condition. Remus remembered the shocked looks Harry and Ron gave him when Hermione announced his condition. Remus knew those looks all too well, only a rare few that accepted him without hesitation.

“Not great, but Pomfrey soon got him sorted. He’ll be just fine in a couple o’ days.” Hagrid said. “While we were in the Hospital Wing, Dumbledore and Snape came back with Harry.” Hagrid looked solemnly at Remus.

“Them dementors were after Black. Harry was there and,” Hagrid paused once again. “Harry got attacked as well. Dumbledore got there in time, but he was unconscious when they came up to Pomfrey.” 

“Is he alright? He wasn’t-” Remus couldn’t finish the sentence. Hagrid shook his head furiously.

“No, no, no, not at all. Just passed out. I saw the three of them a few hours ago, they’re all fine.” Hagrid reassured Remus. “That’s about all I know, really. Dumbledore told me to look for you once the sun was up, and here we are.” Hagrid smiled slightly at Remus. The two, along with Fang, reached the edge of the forest and made their way past Hagrid’s hut towards the castle. It was still early in the morning, as there wasn’t a soul walking around, quelling some of Remus’s fear (and embarrassment) of being seen at that moment. Hagrid helped Remus up to the Hospital Wing and the second they entered was bombarded by a very frantic and anxious Madame Pomfrey. 

“What in Merlin’s name is going on? Dementors and Sirius Black! The Minister of Magic in my hospital wing!” Pomfrey panicked loudly. Thankfully no one else was in the room, or perhaps not so thankfully for Remus and Hagrid who were confronted with a yelling, frustrated, and upset witch at six o’clock in the morning. “And you, Remus Lupin!” Remus took a step back when she pointed her finger at him, having turned her furious attention onto him. 

“You had everyone worried sick!” Pomfrey fretted. “Myself most of all! Seven years of worrying and patching you up every month! Do you know how much I worried about what might have happened to you?” Pomfrey continued in a sort of clash between anger, fear, and worry. Remus wasn’t exactly sure as to how to approach calming her down, seeing as it was his very being worrying him.

“I’m sorry, Madame Pomfrey, truly I am,” Remus said calmly and charmingly, hoping to appeal to her emotions. “I forgot to take the potion last night. It’s entirely my own fault.” Madame Pomfrey softened considerably and placed her hand above her heart, taking deep breaths to calm herself. 

“It’s alright Remus. Nobody was hurt,” Pomfrey paused. “You’re not hurt, are you?” She tried to look for any injuries, but as Remus was covered with quite a large and thick blanket, this was to no avail. Remus shook his head. “That’s a relief. Let’s get you cleaned up anyway.” Madame Pomfrey shoved a set of his clothes at him, along with his recovered wand, and began shuffling him towards a bed. 

“Hagrid!” Remus turned and called back to Hagrid. He stopped and looked back at Remus. “Thank you. For everything.” Hagrid’s eyes appeared watery as he smiled and nodded, then retreated out of the hospital wing. 

Madame Pomfrey checked Remus from head to toe before she was satisfied that he was not in fact injured in any way. Remus cleaned himself up and finally got his clothes back on after his grueling night. Remus might have left immediately, had he not needed a rather pressing question answered. 

“Last night,” Remus began. “What happened to Black?” Madame Pomfrey looked startled for a moment before answering.

“Hagrid didn’t tell you?” She asked. Remus felt his heart sink. Hagrid had told him Sirius and Harry were attacked by dementors, but no. No, it was too soon. He’d only just got his friend back. He couldn’t be-

“He escaped! Just like Azkaban, I suppose.” Madame Pomfrey continued. “The Minister had ordered the dementors to perform the Kiss, but when they arrived, he was gone!” Remus hid his relief and excitement under the guise of confusion.

“How could he escape again?” He prompted. “Wasn’t he being guarded?”

“The Minister and Professor Dumbledore were here in the hospital wing, so I suppose not. Mind you, the Minister looked furious when he found out.” She replied. Remus nodded at this, not wanting to say too much, lest the events, and what exactly happened the night previous was brought up or questioned. 

“Where’s Professor Dumbledore?” Remus asked, needing to speak with the headmaster as soon as possible. 

“In his office, I’d presume.” Madame Pomfrey answered, then squeaked indignantly upon realizing Remus had stood and begun racing to the door. “Remus Lupin, you cannot go running about this soon after the moon!” Remus hastily promised to return later but hurried out of the hospital wing, breaking out into a sprint once out of sight of one quite annoyed Poppy Pomfrey. 

Remus raced through the corridors and stairs of Hogwarts to reach the Headmaster’s Office, presenting the password “sherbet lemon” to the Gargoyle, which allowed him entrance. Ascending the stairs, he heard voices getting louder and clearer as he reached the top. Taking a moment to regain his breath and flatten down his hair from running, he stepped into the room which nearly exploded his ears with a cacophony of arguing and shouting. 

“POTTER HELPED BLACK ESCAPE, I KNOW IT!” Snape yelled at Dumbledore. “THAT BOY HAS BROKEN INNUMERABLE WIZARDING LAWS AND NOTHING IS DONE!” 

Remus had stumbled upon quite the meeting, where he had just expected Dumbeldore alone. The Heads of Houses stood around the room, watching with anticipation as Snape continued to screech about Harry Potter and Sirius Black. Dumbledore sat quietly, looking intently at Snape, waiting for him to finish his tirade. As that end seemed nowhere in sight, Dumbledore raised his hand and Snape reluctantly stopped. 

“Remus, please come in. We have much to discuss.” Dumbledore said, as calmly as if they were about to discuss the latest Quidditch match between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor. Snape rounded on Remus and began shouting once again. 

“LUPIN!” He exclaimed angrily. “You helped Black into the castle, don’t deny it!” He turned furiously towards Dumbledore, expecting some sort of retribution. 

“Remus, Severus has enlightened us with his understanding of last night’s events. Would you care to further explain them?” Dumbledore prompted. Snape snarled something about werewolves under his breath, but again Dumbledore held up his hand to allow Remus to speak.

“Professor, I give you my word that I have not been helping Black into the castle this year. However, I will explain what happened last night, to the best of my ability.” Remus replied. He launched into the explanation of the Potter’s switch of Secret Keepers and Peter’s betrayal. He explained how Peter faked his death and had been hiding as Ron’s rat for the past twelve years. Once finished, he looked ashamedly at the ground. “I apologize for not coming to you first. I was confused and shocked and I didn’t know-”

“It is alright, Remus.” Dumbledore interrupted. “I merely regret that Peter managed to escape once again. I fear I knew nothing of these events and find myself quite surprised. However, without Peter, nothing can be done in terms of Sirius’ innocence.” Dumbledore finished with a knowing twinkle in his eye. 

Barring Snape, who was fuming quietly in the corner, the Heads of Houses seemed astonished by these events coming to light. Flitwick looked as if he might faint and sat himself down in a chair. Sprout had a hand covering her mouth as she processed the information. Even McGonagall was visibly shaken by this revelation. 

“Are you quite sure? Black was supposed to be Secret Keeper, he was James’ best friend.” Sprout asked Remus. 

“He thought he would be the obvious choice for Secret Keeper and persuaded James and Lily to choose Peter. He thought it would keep them safe, that Peter would,” Remus choked on his words. Sprout gave him a knowing, but sad smile and put her hand on his to comfort him. 

“Has anyone tried looking for him, summoning him? It might be possible to-” Flitwick spoke from his chair. Dumbledore shook his head. 

“I’m afraid Peter will have been long gone before anyone could even begin to look for him,” Dumbledore answered gravely. 

“You all understand, of course, that this information is of the highly classified. Only the people in this room, Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, and Sirius and Peter themselves know the truth. As much as I wish for Sirius to be exonerated and Peter caught, we do not yet have the proof of these events. I must ask each and every one of you to remain vigilant for the time being.” Dumbledore spoke resolutely. The Heads of Houses nodded in agreement quietly as did Remus. Snape, however, had been slowly simmering with rage and was now boiling. 

“Headmaster, you cannot expect us to believe the word of Black’s best friend and of a werewolf!” Snape spat angrily. His eyes were full of hatred and trained directly upon Remus. Remus shifted awkwardly, about to defend himself when Dumbledore once again interrupted him. 

“Severus, you forget that I am a skilled Legilimens. I know when someone is lying to me and Remus has not lied.” Dumbledore stated. 

“I must implore you, Severus, to keep these events secret. Fighting amongst ourselves will only serve to weaken us. I warn you, I will not tolerate animosity directed towards a fellow professor.” Dumbledore warned Snape against arguing further. 

Remus felt both immensely thankful and guilty hearing Dumbledore’s words. His reasoning behind coming to see Dumbledore had been to explain the events of the previous night and hand in his resignation, provided he wasn’t fired straight away, which seemed not to be the case. When silence fell upon the room, Remus cleared his throat to call attention to himself. 

“That’s actually the reason I came here, Professor. I need to hand in my resignation.” Remus stated. Remus had expected Dumbledore to accept it, perhaps try to convince him to stay, but he hadn’t expected the Heads of Houses to vigorously join the conversation as well. 

“Hand in your resignation, Lupin? Whatever for?” McGonagall spoke for the first time since his entrance. 

“I put everyone in danger last night. I tried to convince myself when I took the position it would be safe, but clearly I was wrong.” Remus said. 

“But the students love your classes, why would you leave? After the likes of Quirrell and Lockhart, you’re the most stable professor they’ve had in years!” Sprout argued. 

“But I’m not stable. I have to leave every month, leaving them without a teacher, not to mention the incredible risk I impose upon them by simply being here.” Remus argued back. 

“Not to be too frank, Lupin, but neither were Quirrell nor Lockhart, one aligned You-Know-Who quite literally, and the other a fraud!” Flitwick piped up. It was a fair enough argument, Remus supposed. But neither of them turned into monsters every single month. 

“I’m sorry, but my mind is made up.” Remus said decisively. He glimpsed Snape’s face, which had a smug look upon it, presumably as with Remus gone he could apply to the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Dumbledore said nothing but stared fixedly at Remus with those piercingly blue eyes of his, almost enough to make Remus reconsider. Almost, but not enough. 

He backed out of the room quickly and quietly, leaving the Headmaster and professors to themselves. He walked soberly down the stairs and slowly made his way back to his office. It was still early in the morning and as exams had already been completed, most students stayed in bed or in their common rooms until later in the day. The corridors were empty, with the rising morning sun just peeking through the windows. Remus was in no hurry to return to his office and begin to pack, having to leave Hogwarts once more. Hogwarts felt like home to him, the first place he felt safe and accepted, both as a child and now as an adult. Remus was lost in his own thoughts when he felt a tap on his shoulder. McGonagall stood next to him, peering at him rather curiously. 

“Professor?” He asked. 

“Would you come to my office for a few minutes? I have a few matters to discuss with you.” McGonagall asked plainly. While Remus really would have rather gone back to his office and sat down quietly, he found himself unable to refuse McGonagall’s request. He followed her back to her office where the two of them sat down silently. McGonagall summoned some tea and biscuits and Remus sat, quite confused, while she poured their tea and offered him biscuits. The two professors sat, silently, drinking the tea for a few minutes before Remus plucked up the courage to ask McGonagall the meaning of the meeting. McGonagall took a long sip of her tea and set the cup down in its saucer, taking in a deep breath before speaking. 

“Do you remember the first class of mine you took? Turning matches into needles, if I’m not mistaken.” McGonagall began. Stunned by this line of questioning and confused by its possible purpose, Remus just nodded silently. 

“You were the first student to successfully transfigure the matchstick, indeed the only one that day besides Lily.” She continued. “Every year, you were one of the top students. You excelled not only in Transfiguration but Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, History, nearly every subject you set your mind to.”

“Not Potions though,” Remus said quietly. “I always was rubbish at that.”

“Yes, well, we all have subjects we find more difficult than others. I myself received some dismal grades in Divination during my time at Hogwarts.” McGonagall said, lowering her voice at the revelation that she did not receive Outstanding in every subject as some might believe. It made Remus laugh, which seemed to please McGonagall to see him smile, even if only for a moment. 

“Despite your challenges as a result of your condition, you excelled as a student. You were, and continue to be, a bright young wizard, full of potential to do more.” McGonagall continued. 

“Not so young anymore,” Remus avoided the conversation, currently attempting to bore holes into the desk with his eyes. 

“My point, Remus, is this,” She ignored his previous self-deprecating comment. “Last night was an exceptional circumstance, one that is highly unlikely to repeat itself. You cannot leave everything you have built for fear that something might happen.” Remus began to speak to argue against her reasoning but she denied him the opportunity to do so.

“If I may be impertinent, what were you doing before you accepted this position?” McGonagall asked. Remus shifted awkwardly in his chair before answering. 

“Odd jobs. Usually muggle ones.” Remus said faintly. “I tried a couple of wizarding jobs but they all said the same: they wouldn’t hire me. So I just started taking muggle ones. I told them I had a chronic illness, but even muggles get tired of someone taking days off every month, so they never lasted long.” Remus finished, feeling ashamed and upset by his condition which made it impossible for him to hold down any job, muggle or wizarding. 

“Remus,” McGonagall stated calmly to get his attention. Remus finally looked up from his resolute staring competition between himself and the desk and met her eyes. “You are, without a doubt, the best Defense Against the Dark Arts professor Hogwarts has seen in many years. You teach your students with passion and care about their safety so much you would abandon the one secure job you’ve had since graduating.”

“I admit I cannot promise anything absolutely, I’m not that quite powerful,” Remus’s lips quirk a bit at that. “But I can assure you that you deserve to keep your position here. There are dangers, I don’t deny that, but I would do anything to have you reconsider your resignation.” 

“I can’t trust that it won’t happen again,” Remus replied. In truth, he didn’t know whether he could trust himself. Between the whole debacle with Sirius and forgetting to take the most important potion on a whim, thus endangering everyone at Hogwarts, he worried something out of his control would happen again, and that this time, someone would get hurt.

“Would you truly be happier if you left?” McGonagall asked. Remus didn’t exactly need to ponder her question for too long. He would be miserable having to leave Hogwarts, but his logic told him it was the only option.

“No, but-” Remus was cut off.

“Then all I ask is this. I shall respect your decision, whatever that may be. But do not make that decision from a place of perceived noble duty or responsibility. Do what you believe will make you happy.” McGonagall said with an air of finality. Remus simply nodded. He thanked her for the tea and left to return to his office. 

By the time Remus returned to his office, it was midday. He flopped down into his chair, weary from a night of the full moon and a morning of arguments and altogether too much talking and emotion. He made no move to begin packing his things, staring at nothing in particular. He had planned to go through his own thoughts and memories to try and make sense of the last twenty-four hours but found himself extraordinarily tired. He tried picking up a book to wake himself up, but mere minutes after starting to read he fell asleep on his desk, the book still in hand. 

~

Remus awoke to a relentless tapping noise on his office window. Sitting up and rubbing his eyes, he saw the sun beginning to set in the distance and looked incredulously at his clock. He had somehow managed to fall asleep for a couple of hours, in the very uncomfortable position of sleeping upon his desk (a feat which his neck would not thank him for later). The tapping grew more insistent, prompting Remus to finally look over to the window. A barn owl peered at him, appearing annoyed at his lack of attention, continuing to tap its beak on the window. Remus walked over to open the window and the owl flew in and perched itself upon a stack of books, holding out its leg, on which a letter was strapped to. Remus untied the letter from the owl’s leg and began to read it.

_Professor Lupin,_

_Please join me in my office at nine o’clock this evening to further discuss your position and resignation._

_Albus Dumbledore_

_p.s. I’m rather in the mood for chocolate frogs, should you have any on hand._

Remus noted the change in passwords, as Dumbledore seemed so favorable as to having sweet-derived passwords, which was anyone’s guess as to why. He looked once more over to his clock, which read half-past eight o’clock. After his meeting with McGonagall, he would have imagined that would be the end of the discussion regarding his resignation, but apparently not. He sighed and moved towards his bedroom to grab a change of clothes, but not before being pecked on the finger by the barn owl. It looked expectantly at him, awaiting some sort of treat for its work.

“Sorry dear, I don’t have anything for you,” He stroked its head softly. “But if you happen to find a nine-toed rat out there, feel free to eat it.” He said, his voice full of both humor and bitterness. The owl seemed pleased enough with its reward and flew back out the window towards the owlery. 

Remus ducked into his bathroom to take a quick shower and clear his mind. He’d really had no time at all to process a complete one-eighty of his view of Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. For twelve years, he had cursed Sirius’s name, believing him to be the traitor that had everyone fooled. He believed Peter to have been a hero who tried to stop Sirius, but these events were in fact reversed. Sirius had tried to stop Peter from escaping. Peter, the traitor nobody expected, being the one to sell James and Lily Potter to Voldemort. 

How long had Peter been working for Voldemort, Remus wondered to himself. Sirius said a year, but how could that be? Remus had seen Peter plenty of times in the year before James and Lily’s deaths. But looking back, he could see slight hints at Peter’s betrayal.

Peter had been more nervous and skittish than ever. He always had been and Remus assumed the stress of the war was catching up to him, but he now realized that it was because he was in league with Voldemort. Peter had begun distancing himself from the others, coming less and less to meetings between the Marauders. Remus hadn’t thought much of it as he too had to go off on missions for Dumbledore and saw his friends much less as well. 

It had stung a bit for Remus to hear that Sirius believed him to be the spy all those years ago. He supposed it made sense from Sirius’s perspective. It obviously wouldn’t have been Sirius himself nor James, and he believed Peter to be too cowardly to become a double-crosser. Therefore, Remus was the obvious choice. While completely logical, it didn’t quite help the fact hurt less. 

Remus finally exited the shower and changed into a new set of clothes before readying himself to meet with Dumbledore. He wasn’t entirely prepared to be interrogated by those piercing blue eyes, which he was sure would be used to convince him to stay. Even after the pleadings by the other Heads of Houses for him to stay, and no doubt Dumbledore in the next few minutes, Remus felt that it would be selfish of him to stay under his circumstances. He couldn’t even believe how Dumbledore had managed to convince him in the first place.

Dumbledore had shown up at his cottage last summer with an offer of the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts. Remus had been so floored at seeing the man for the first time in years that he had allowed him to speak and slowly convince him to take the job. Remus had heard a little voice in the back of his head telling him it would be dangerous, but the allure of a stable job, and quite honestly a dream job for Remus, was overbearing the worried voice. Along with the promise of Wolfsbane Potion, he hadn’t really been in a position to refuse the offer. 

Remus sometimes wondered whether Dumbledore was part-Seer, as the same summer he offered Remus a position at Hogwarts, Sirius Black escaped Azkaban. He had been shocked, to say the least, when he read the Daily Prophet one morning to find that his ex-best friend and traitor to his other best friends had escaped the most secure wizarding prison in the world. Dumbledore called for a meeting of the teaching staff before the term started to explain the changes that would be made to protect Hogwarts (or more specifically Harry Potter). He had given his word to Dumbledore that he would not contact Sirius and inform him if Sirius were to contact first. But he continued to neglect to tell about Sirius’s animagus ability, both out of shame of defying the rules while at Hogwarts and still feeling a spark of a connection to his ex-friend, even if he believed him to be a traitor and murderer. 

The clock ticked to ten minutes before nine o’clock and Remus made his way back towards Dumbledore’s office. As it was nearing curfew for the majority of the students, the corridors were rather empty, with the occasional student walking to their dormitories or students stopping to chat. One group of his older Hufflepuff students waved and said hello to him as he walked past and he smiled back and gave them a polite ‘goodnight’ before continuing on. It quelled his fears a bit that if students were still willing to talk to him, then the majority of the school should still be unaware of his condition. Arriving once again at the Gargoyle and announcing ‘chocolate frogs’ to it, he climbed up the stairs to the headmaster’s office, this time silence emanating from the room. 

Pushing open the door, Remus saw Dumbledore sitting at his desk, concentrating on writing a letter. He peered over his half-moon spectacles at Remus as he slowly walked up the Dumbledore’s desk. 

“Good evening, Remus. Sit down, we’re just waiting for Severus to arrive.” Dumbledore explained. 

“Snape, sir?” Remus asked while sitting himself down in the chair opposite. A moment later, Snape entered the room. He locked eyes with Remus, sneered slightly, but walked over and sat down silently nonetheless. The two waited for Dumbledore to finish his letter, both curious as to the meaning of this meeting and why the two of them alone were called to it. Dumbledore signed the letter, setting it aside before staring intently at the two professors. 

“Fizzing whizbee?” He asked suddenly, pushing a jar of candies towards the two of them. Remus felt as if he were sixteen again, under the scrutinous eye of his eccentric headmaster. He shook his head, as did Snape. Dumbledore shrugged and pulled the jar back to its original place. 

“I’m sure you are both curious as to the nature of why I called you here tonight,” Dumbledore began. “There are matters which I must discuss with both of you. Matters concerning Sirius Black, and indeed Harry Potter.”

“As we are all aware from the events of last night, Peter Pettigrew is alive and Sirius Black is not the criminal responsible for the Potter’s deaths.” Dumbledore begins. “I fear that with Peter’s escape, he will return to Lord Voldemort.”

“The Dark Lord is dead.” Snape interjected. 

“I happen to disagree, Severus,” Dumbledore said. “I believe he was weakened, yes. But I fear that motions are beginning to set for his return.” 

“I’m sorry, sir, but what does that have to do with the both of us?” Remus asked, indicating to himself and Snape. Snape grimaced, clearly disgusted at the thought of being associated with him, but Remus ignored him. “Sirius and Peter are both gone, we can’t do anything without finding them.” 

“That is true, we cannot exonerate Sirius without Peter’s capture. But my current concern is not with Sirius or Peter, but with Harry and Voldemort.” Dumbledore stated. “The letter I was writing when you entered was to the Minister of Magic. The Triwizard Tournament is set to take place next year, and Hogwarts has been chosen as the host.” 

Remus and Snape both raised their eyebrows at that, for what did the Triwizard Tournament have to do with Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort?

“As I mentioned previously, I fear Voldemort has been growing stronger in the past years, beginning to re-amass his base and supporters. The tournament will present an enormous target for Hogwarts and Harry.” Dumbledore explained. “I fear it will allow Voldemort, or at least his supporters, the ability to infiltrate Hogwarts and attempt to harm Harry. With Peter’s return to him, he will have a plethora of information on Harry previously unavailable to him.” 

“Why not cancel the tournament then? If it’s that much of a danger?” Remus asked. 

“Alas, I do not have the power to do so. My fears, in the eyes of the Ministry, are simply the suspicions of an old man.” Dumbledore said. “They wish to use the tournament to demonstrate the progress the wizarding world has made since Lord Voldemort’s downfall. Fudge will not listen to reason, believing Voldemort to be dead and the world to be safe from his return.”

“Sir, I still don’t understand. What does the tournament have to do with us?” Remus asked again, slightly frustrated by Dumbledore’s theatrics and riddles. 

“Your resignation, Remus,” Dumbledore said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I need you to continue as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.”

“What!? Why?” Snape snarled. “Have you forgotten he aided Black and nearly killed all of us last night!?” Snape seethed angrily, shooting daggers with his eyes at Remus. 

“Severus, calm yourself,” Dumbledore said placidly. “Remus did not help Sirius Black this year, he merely learned of his innocence last night. As to his condition, no one was hurt.” Snape looked as if he were about to interject when Dumbledore put up a hand to stop him.

“If I remember correctly, you knew Remus had forgotten to take the potion last night but failed to bring it to the Whomping Willow. For future reference, Severus, please refrain from allowing your prejudices to cloud your judgment.” Dumbledore scolded. Snape closed his mouth slowly and shrunk back into his chair. 

“Sir, I’m afraid Snape is right. I shouldn’t have accepted the position in the first place. I put everyone in danger by being here.” Remus said solemnly. Snape brightened up slightly and looked quite smug. Dumbledore’s twinkling eyes focused on Remus.

“Remus, I offered you the position because you were the most qualified candidate for the job. Your condition does not detract from that,” Dumbledore said. “Furthermore, with the arrival of the Triwizard Tournament next year, I need people I trust here to protect Harry.” Remus was touched by Dumbledore’s words and his trust in him. Snape? Not so much.

“Headmaster, Lupin cannot be trusted, he’s-” Snape began, only to be interrupted once more by Dumbledore.

“Severus, I fear I am losing my patience. Mr. Lupin’s condition does not affect my trust in him,” Dumbledore stated severely. “Just as your previous association with Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort does not affect my trust in you.”

Snape opted to seeth bitterly rather than argue further with Dumbledore. Remus felt as if he was missing some crucial pieces of information, but didn’t dare ask. He knew Snape had become a Death Eater after school, even fought against him a couple of times. He had also heard when he was announced as the Potions professor, which might have been more shocking had he not been in mourning after losing all of his friends, either to death or incarceration, in one single night. Obviously Snape must have convinced Dumbledore that he switched sides, but how he did so Remus didn’t know, nor did he really care. 

“As for your involvement, Severus,” Dumbledore said. “As an ex-Death Eater, you are in the unique position to be able to inform me should any plans arise to sabotage the tournament or harm Harry.” 

“Additionally, I would impress upon you the importance of keeping Mr. Lupin’s condition secret, regardless of whether or not he decides to return next year.” Dumbledore continued, a knowing glint in his eye. “I must ask you to swear that news of his condition will not reach others, by ‘accident’ or otherwise.” Remus suspected Snape might do something malicious to get back at him, such as revealing his condition. It seems Dumbledore suspected this might happen as well and was taking precautions to avoid it occurring. 

“I swear.” Snape ground out bitterly as if the words physically hurt to say. Dumbledore nodded his thanks and turned his attention to Remus.

“In turn, I must ask you to swear not to contact Sirius. Should he contact you, alert me. We cannot risk his arrest when we know of his innocence.” Dumbledore said. 

“I won’t, I swear,” Remus answered honestly. Dumbledore clapped his hands together.

“Then that is all. Thank you both for coming. Remus, if you would be so kind as to stay a moment longer?” Dumbledore asked. Snape stood and left the office, glaring back furiously at Lupin’s head as he did so. 

“Concerning your resignation, I will, of course, respect whatever decision you come to.” Dumbledore started. “However, as Professor McGonagall told you earlier, you are a gifted professor and are welcome to remain in your position. Professor Snape will continue to make Wolfsbane and we can endeavor to think of some better excuses as to your missing days.” Dumbledore smiled slightly, as there hadn’t been much of a plan at all this previous year as to explaining his disappearances, which was rather an oversight looking back. 

“As it is, I do not need an answer immediately. Though I would be most appreciative if you could let me know before the end of the term.” Dumbledore said.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll let you know before then.” Remus nodded his thanks and made his exit from the office. 

Arriving back to his bedroom well past sunset, Remus collapsed back onto his bed, utterly baffled as to what course of action he should take. He attempted to methodically go through the pros and cons of staying versus leaving, his logic driving most of the cons while his emotions and heart drove the pros. 

Staying meant having a job, a proper job, one that he loved. He enjoyed teaching and helping his students learn and grow. He missed being back at Hogwarts. He liked talking with the other professors, especially McGonagall, who always treated him well and like an equal. He got Wolfsbane, though bitterly, from Snape. He got to see Harry for the first time in twelve years since he was a tiny baby. 

Leaving meant safety, for himself and others. Was it safety or comfort though? He had been alone for twelve years and hadn’t had to worry about risking others’ lives as he made sure to live far, far away from other people. Being alone was his security blanket, as it were. He couldn’t hurt anyone, or in turn, get hurt by someone. His brain told him the logical thing would be to leave and go back to his cottage and odd muggles jobs. 

He didn’t want to do that but felt like he must. It was the logical thing to do, the right thing to do. But then he remembered everyone who had asked, even begged him to stay. McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick, and Dumbledore had all told him to stay. Snape wished him gone, but Snape would also like to see him dead, so Remus supposed he wasn’t much of a factor for his staying or going. 

He’d think about it, carefully and thoroughly, he told himself. There were only a few days before the end of the term and Dumbledore’s request for an answer. He had at least some time to contemplate the weight of this decision and his future.

~

Despite his perhaps fanciful idea that he would have days to mull over his decision to resign or remain, Remus found himself bombarded by end of term chaos. Exams had already been taken before the full moon, but nonetheless students continued to come in to discuss grades, study plans, and ask his advice on various matters. He accommodated students who wished to put in extra effort to boost their grade, as he remembered all too well the frantic stress and fear he felt whenever grades were released (despite the fact that he received Outstandings in nearly every subject). Many students seemed ecstatic to have had a competent professor this year and came in to thank him for his teaching, which not so secretly made him blush to think that people thought so highly of his teaching abilities. The Weasley twins even came in at one point to ask if he would teach next year and if not, could they please get their supply of dungbombs back? Remus had laughed and said he would think about it, knowing the twins could make plenty of mischief without the use of dungbombs. 

It seemed everyone was curious as to whether or not he would be teaching the next year. He knew of the curse that had taken out a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor every year, both passively and violently (especially in the cases of Quirrell and Lockhart: one dead and the other’s mind wiped). Students wanted to know if he would be next in the long line of professors that left after a single year. He told each one the truth, that he wasn’t sure if he would return. Between realizing his best friend was innocent, the other had faked his death and framed the former, end of term grading, and a revolving door of questions and requests from students, he had hardly any time to really think long and hard about his decision. 

The afternoon before the arrival of the Hogwarts Express, Remus had finally gotten through the swarm of end of term student meetings and had been expecting a quiet day to himself. He had begun packing up some of his books and papers, as these would need to be packed regardless of whether or not he remained. He was sorting them by their subject when a knock at his door came, with Harry, Hermione, and Ron stood waiting on the stairs. 

“Oh, hello! I didn’t expect you all to come along today.” Remus said. The trio shuffled into his office, currently looking much less neat and tidy than usual, as Remus had been rifling through papers and books all day. 

“We wanted to come and see you before we go tomorrow,” Harry replied. 

“You’ve been sacked!?” Ron asked suddenly. 

“Ron!” Hermione scolded, stomping on his foot for good measure. Ron stifled his groan of pain, thankful that Hermione hadn’t stomped his still-healing foot. “What he means, professor-”

“I understand, Ron,” Remus said. “No, I have not been sacked.” While not entirely answering Ron’s question, who was more likely asking if he would be returning, the trio seemed relieved that Remus wasn’t fired. 

“What did you need to talk about?” Remus asked the trio. All three looked at each other, clearly unsure as to how to begin. 

“Well, the thing is-” Ron began. 

“I wanted to-” Harry started. 

“We would like to talk-” Hermione said.

The trio began to explain their reasoning for coming to see Remus but found themselves unable to articulate this coherently, as Remus had three teenagers all explaining completely different matters to him at once.

“Perhaps one at a time, please?” Remus laughed. The trio stopped and Harry and Ron looked to Hermione to talk this time. 

“Well, sir, Harry really wanted to talk to you but Ron and I wanted to come along as well,” Hermione said. “I wanted to apologize for yelling at you the other night, about,” Hermione paused.

“My condition?” Remus supplied. Hermione nodded and took a breath to begin again, but Remus beat her to it. “There’s no need for you to apologize, Hermione. I’m well aware of the perceptions of my condition and I hold no ill-will towards you for being worried or suspicious. Frankly, I am rather impressed you figured it out so quickly.” Remus gave her a small smile to let her know he wasn’t upset with her and she smiled softly back, clearly relieved. 

“Yeah, uh, me too. Sorry for freaking out.” Ron added. “Also sorry for calling you and Sirius mental about the whole Scabbers-Peter thing. We’re totally cool with everything now though, it doesn’t matter about your werewolf-ness.” Ron gestured clumsily with his hands to try to explain. Remus laughed slightly at Ron’s ability to add humor to a serious conversation.

“Thank you, Ron. That truly means a lot to me.” Remus said. 

Hermione and Ron made their excuses to go, leaving Harry and Remus alone to talk. Remus resumed packing up some of his books, waiting for Harry to explain why he came. Harry took some time deciding how to begin the conversation. 

“You really haven’t been sacked?” Harry asked. 

“No Harry, I have not,” Remus answered. “Although I must tell you, I do not believe I will be returning next year.”

“What? No!” Harry exclaimed. “You have to stay! You’re the only good teacher we’ve had, you can’t go now.”

“Unfortunately, my condition presents a risk to everyone here. The other night shouldn’t have happened, and yet it did.” Harry began to argue, but Remus continued. “While the majority of students, with the exception of you three, remain unaware of my condition, there is always the possibility of others finding out. Parents don’t want, well,” Remus paused. “Someone like me teaching their children.” 

“But you’re a fantastic professor! What does it matter that you’re a werewolf?” Harry argued. 

“While I am incredibly flattered by that, most of the wizarding population would disagree. Nor do I blame them.” Remus replied. Harry reminded him of his father, and Sirius, who had both cheered him up many times after being rejected from jobs due to his condition. Nevertheless, Harry stayed quiet, contemplating what to say next. 

“Why do you look so miserable, Harry?” Remus asked. Harry stared fixedly at the ground before replying. 

“It didn’t make any difference.” He said gloomily. 

“What didn’t make any difference Harry?” Remus prompted. 

“Pettigrew got away. We can’t prove that Sirius is innocent.” Harry explained. “Nothing changed.” He repeated, dismayed by his perceived failures. 

“Didn’t make any difference, Harry, it made all the difference in the world!” Remus said. “You saved an innocent man from a horrible fate and uncovered the truth of what happened twelve years ago. You made a great deal of difference.” 

Harry remained quite dejected but lightened a bit upon remembering his and Hermione’s quest to save Sirius (and Buckbeak). He nodded and noticed the Marauder’s Map laid out upon Remus’s desk. 

“If you don’t come back next year, which I hope you do,” Harry said, interjecting himself. “Can I have the map back?” Remus laughed and closed the map with ‘Mischief Managed’. 

“Well, we’ll see. While I am still currently your teacher and therefore cannot in good faith give this back to you,” Harry sank his head disappointedly. “If I were to go out for a stroll and happened to leave the map unattended, then I suppose nothing could be done to prevent it from being taken.” 

Remus picked up a few books he needed to return to the library, turning to Harry before leaving. 

“Should I not return next year, I wish you well Harry. You’re a talented young wizard and have done spectacularly this year. Until we meet again.” Remus held out his hand, which Harry took quickly and shook. Remus left his office and made his way to the library, with enough plausible deniability that should anyone inquire as to whether or not he returned the map to Harry, he could safely assert it was taken from his office and he hadn’t the faintest as to who took it. 

~

The Hogwarts Express was set to depart from Hogwarts at eleven o’clock sharp. Students were bustling around the corridors, even at nine in the morning, as they frantically tried to remember everything they had forgotten and say goodbye to teachers and friends for the summer. Remus had rather a battle trying to make his way up to Dumbledore’s office through the sea of students. 

Upon entering, Dumbledore greeted Remus while drinking his breakfast tea, an open copy of the Daily Prophet on the desk. 

“Good morning, Remus,” Dumbledore said. “I presume you’re here to give me your decision?”

Remus was. He had told himself he would take the past few days to think through the decision carefully and logically, but that idea hadn’t quite gone to plan. In the end, he hadn’t needed to sit down and think about it. Harry, Hermione, Ron, McGonagall, and Dumbledore had argued beautifully in favor of his decision but ultimately it was his to make. His decision was final. 

“Yes, I suppose I am.” Remus replied.

“Then may you enlighten us with your decision?” Dumbledore asked, a curious glint in his sparklingly-sharp blue eyes. 

~

“What do you think you’ll do after school, Moony?” Sirius had once asked him. They had just finished their exams and were sat under a large tree by the lake. Remus shrugged.

“Not sure. I’d like to become an Auror, but with the laws the way they are,” Remus carried off. 

“Fuck the laws, Moony. They’re all wankers anyway.” Sirius had said bravely. Remus shoved his shoulder lightly and smiled. 

“Padfoot, you want to be an Auror too.” Remus reminded him. Sirius snorted. 

“Still wankers though.” They both laughed. 

“Maybe you’ll teach?” Sirius suggested. Remus had looked at him incredulously. 

“Teach? Me, a professor?” He repeated. 

“Yeah, Moony. Why not? You tutor the rest of us all the time.” Sirius said. Remus shook his head.

“It’s not the same, silly,” Remus said quietly. 

“Yeah, it is! Remus, you get Outstanding in everything,” Sirius paused. “Well, besides Potions, but we’ll forgive you for that.” Sirius had flashed him a beautiful grin and managed to crack a smile out of Remus. 

“You’re one of the smartest kids in the entire school, anybody would be lucky to have you, for any job,” Sirius said passionately. “If they can’t get past your furry little problem, then they don’t deserve you.” 

“You’re never going to let up on the whole ‘furry little problem’ thing, are you?” Remus laughed when Sirius shook his head no rather vigorously. 

“But seriously, Moony,” Remus snorted at the unintentional, or perhaps intentional, pun. “Dumbledore would give you a job any day. I know Defense Against the Dark Arts is cursed, but maybe you’ll be the one to change that!” 

Sirius slung an arm around Remus’s shoulders and gave it a tight squeeze. Remus always felt better after speaking with Sirius. He always knew the right thing to say or do to cheer him up, or simply be a good listener or shoulder to cry on. 

“Ey Moony?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah?” Remus replied quietly. 

“What do you think of ‘Professor Lupin’? Or ‘Professor Moony’, I like that quite a lot too.” Sirius grinned at him. 

Remus had laughed, though it was quite a watery laugh. Sirius continued to give him that big grin of his, clearly happy to have cheered his friend up. 

“Love you, Pads.” Remus said softly, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. 

“Love you too Moony.” Sirius replied.

~

Remus took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He glanced briefly out the window, seeing the Hogwarts Express arrive in the distance. Carriages would soon be pulling up to take students to the station and back to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters for their summer break. A couple of owls raced past, returning to their owners from the owlery. The skies were a beautiful bright blue, not unlike Dumbledore’s eyes that were trained upon him, awaiting his answer. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about my decision.” Remus began. “I worried about the consequences of staying, but I also remembered the joy I felt while teaching here.” Dumbledore raised his eyebrows expectantly. 

“I’ve decided to remain as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor,” Remus said tentatively. “That is, if you’ll still have me.” 

“Remus,” Dumbledore said. “It would be my pleasure.”

Remus thanked the headmaster for everything he had done for him that year, and then he too made his way down to the Hogwarts Express. Before stepping onto the train, he took one last, long look at the castle, knowing he would return in a few weeks time. He felt a sense of security that he hadn’t felt in years. 

Most students who attended Hogwarts would tell brilliant tales of their experience there, and for good reason. Hogwarts provided a sanctuary for many of its students and allowed them to grow into bright young witches and wizards. Remus felt exactly this. 

He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! This is actually the first fic I’ve written in over a year, so I hope it was enjoyable.  
> I really liked the idea of Remus remaining as DADA professor and wanted to find a way that he could stay, so here is my explanation as to how he might have stayed.  
> This is a (rather long) one-shot, but I might consider making into a series (i.e. exploring Remus as a professor during the Fourth Year) if anyone is interested after reading this?  
> Once again, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read this. It means the world to me! I hope everyone has a great day and that you stay safe and healthy!  
> If you’d like, feel free to send me a message or an ask at my AO3 blog @reignofstrain on Tumblr!


	2. Series Announcement

Hey there! I originally posted this story as a one-shot - an idea that intrigued me but I hadn’t really planned on continuing it when I first wrote it. However, over the past few months, I realized that I very much wanted to write more on this idea, so I did. I’ve been working on a series meant to continue on from this fic, which will follow Remus’s journey if he had remained as the DADA professor at Hogwarts (and will also feature Remus/Sirius as the main ship!!) - I’m really excited to start posting these fics and I hope you'll enjoy reading them! 

The first installment, Underneath My Scars, will begin posting tomorrow (1/17) and I’ll be updating it every Sunday! If you’re interested, I’ll be adding/posting all the fics under the series  _ life was a willow and it bent right to your wind _ (from Taylor Swift’s song “Willow”, as her albums Folklore and Evermore were the catalysts in inspiring me to write again - I cannot thank her enough not just for these spectacular albums but helping me to return to writing and prompting me to write this series). Again, thank you so much for reading this one-shot and I hope you’ll read and enjoy the fics that follow! Stay safe and I hope you all have an amazing day! 


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